Shift Your Mindset: Saying Thank You vs. I'm Sorry
Replacing the words "I'm sorry" in your everyday communication.
My relationship with the words “I’m sorry” have shifted drastically over the past year.
I have a serious problem with constantly apologizing for simple non-issues, and it’s shown true throughout multiple areas of my life — my relationship, my family life, and my work life. Let’s play a game. Never have I ever apologized to my partner for wanting to workout before hanging out. Never have I ever apologized to my friend for being tired and not wanting to go out. Never have I ever apologized to my manager for needing to work from home because of a family situation. Never have I ever apologized to anyone for needing help or clarification. 🙋♀️
Eeekkkk!
In every single one of these situations, I’ve been told “No need to apologize”, “Please! Don’t apologize”, “Why are you apologizing?”. Why am I apologizing? What if instead of saying “I’m sorry”, I said “Thank you”? Thank you for understanding that making time for myself to move my body is important to me. Thank you for understanding that I need time to rest. Thank you for understanding that I need to be home with my family right now.
The phrases “I’m sorry” and “Thank you” mean different things but are often used interchangeably in today’s society. “I’m sorry for venting” could also be “Thank you for listening”; “I’m sorry for being 5 minutes late” could also be “Thank you for waiting”. Both options serve the same point — acknowledgement of the other with communication of good intentions, one simply portrayed in a more positive tone. There seems to be some sort of emotional game of chess when using these two phrases, and they can say a lot about the person saying them.
Let’s break it down, shall we?
Starting with an apology, which, in its simplest form is about the apologizer and what they claim to have done wrong. In contrast, a “thank you” is about the recipient and what they did right. Therefore, while an apologizer seeks forgiveness, a thanker seeks celebration of the other person. Both the apologizer and the thanker are appropriate during different situations.
I was raised to be a leader, to be unapologetic, to be fearless. So, why and how did I suddenly become an over-apologetic queen?
The easiest answer for not just myself but most women, is that women are often in pursuit of an incredibly high standard which often leads to sheepishness around simply existing. Sorry for bumping into you although we’re in a crowded room. Sorry for my appearance despite having a bad hair day and not wanting to wear makeup. Sorry for sneezing so much despite the pollen filled air that trigger my bad allergies. Sorry for missing a day of work because I was sick. Being overly self-conscious may have deep roots, but its day-to-day involvement is a constant focus on the self. Over apologizing seems to go hand-in-hand with this state of mind, and breaking the bad habit can be a form of self-accepting and growing up.
Think of saying “thank you” as a form of self-empowerment because skipping an unnecessary apology is a form of allowing yourself to take up space rather than cowering down. For example, if I apologize to my partner for being in a funky mood while we are hanging out, I’m indirectly asking him for comfort. To which, he would most likely respond kindly saying that it’s okay rather than maybe stating how he truly feels (that it’s a bummer when we’re supposed to be having fun even though he understands). If I choose to thank him instead, for being a wonderful supportive boyfriend, it rewards his kindness through my appreciation.
💜 Niya