On Self Betrayal & Prioritizing Yourself
The ways in which you choose to show up for yourself and trust your gut are they key to genuine self transformation.
Love Niya is a reader supported weekly newsletter. If you’d like to receive new posts and support my work, I invite you to consider becoming a paid or free subscriber.
Show of hands if you are a fiercely loyal friend, family member, significant other, etc.? I would fight someone for my friends. I would kill someone for my family. But up until a few months ago, I realized I am the only person that I would betray. I constantly treated my own wants and desires like they didn’t matter.
I would make small agreements with myself — I’m going eat healthy — then go out to dinner with friends who suggest splitting a pizza and dessert and immediately betray the agreement I made. I’ll only have one slice then beat myself up the next morning when my stomach hurts because I overindulged. Automatic face palm, shake of my head and regret for my self-betrayal. And in no way am I saying that I’m not allowed to have a good time and consume loads of junk food every now and then, but my extremely sensitive stomach will tell you otherwise.
Why do so many of us do this? Why do we prioritize other people’s desires and happiness, even when it’s at our own expense?
I don’t think I betrayed myself much as a kid. I have always been someone that played in my own lane, dressed the way I wanted to and indulged in what I enjoyed. I never worried much of what other people thought of me until I became an adult.
I entered my first serious relationship at the age of 17, and I wouldn’t say it even became serious until I was maybe 19 or 20. I say that because when you’re a teenager, you don’t think of where a relationship will go down the road. Instead, you choose to focus on the present day and let the future happen the way it’s supposed to. I fell deeply in love with him, and that was the beginning of my putting myself in second place era.
I am not trying to sound like a negative Nancy at all, but after several years I realized that I had a history of prioritizing his needs and wants over my own. And this was in no way, shape or form his fault, at all. It was entirely my own. If anything, he was the one repeatedly encouraging me to speak up about what I wanted — out of him, for myself, etc. I always admired that so much about him because at the end of the day, I always knew that he cared enough for me to want my happiness to come from within myself. Whether that meant spending days alone with myself or having him come along to do the things I wanted to, even if it wasn’t what he wanted. He would and still continues to show up for me, despite any challenges we face.
Cut to current day, I prioritize myself and what I want more than I ever have in my life. I have learned to view time alone as time spent getting to know myself better instead of choosing to feel lonely.
SO, HOW CAN WE BUILD SELF-TRUST AND BREAK THE CYCLE OF SELF-BETRAYAL?
A huge trend in the wellness space these days is therapy. While I’ve never been to therapy, I have found multiple versions of the way I view therapy that have really helped me. For starters, I am someone that tends to hold my cards close to my chest at all times. But more recently, I’ve found that talking to my parents about the challenges I am facing, talking to God through prayer and letting my tears flow when they need to has really helped me feel seen and heard.
I also choose to view my alone time and physical exercise as forms of therapy. Committing to work out 3x per week is a small agreement that I make with myself, and every time I accomplish that goal it feels like amazing. In addition to that, committing to staying in some nights to binge watch my favorite show, eat take out and cuddle with my dog all while in my favorite sweatpants in bed has brought me so much peace.
And in no way am I perfect and always hit my goals. But when I do, I give myself the space to celebrate myself. When I don’t, I also give myself the space to celebrate myself for not beating myself up about it and try again later.
So, in essence, I am not someone that views therapy as simply going to an office to speak with a licensed therapist face-to-face. But, if that is what you need and feel that would best serve you, then by all means, do it.
IT’S HARD, BUT WE CAN DO HARD THINGS
Waking up early is, and has always been, a challenge for me. This is especially true when I have a long commute to work 3x per week and a dog who loves to wake me up in the middle of the night to snuggle? pee? I don’t even know what she wants sometimes.
Mid-week mornings are the hardest because of the time I need to get up in order to be at work on time. Of course, almost every single morning I wake up, grab my phone to check the time and tell myself five more minutes. You know what happens next — those five minutes turn into twenty, and then I’m rushing to the bathroom door to get ready in time for work. I can say the same thing for morning workouts, though few and far between. I barely open my eyes to check my phone and say I need to get up or else I’m going to miss my class.
Sometimes getting up on time feels merely impossible. My dog somehow always comes to my bedside to cuddle when it’s most perfectly inconvenient for me. And I ALWAYS give into it.
However, the times I choose myself and prioritize getting out of bed on time to go to work, class, wherever, are always the most rewarding. Giving myself the ability to enjoy my shower, diffuse my hair and pick out a cute outfit feels so much better than walking out the door with drenched hair.
Take the agreements you make with yourself seriously. Learn to prioritize yourself first and then others. Recognize that taking the time to celebrate yourself when you stick to your goals is self-transformative. Would you forgive a friend for skipping a day at the gym or showing up late to a date? Of course. So, you should do the same for yourself.
Life is a process, and we are all trying to do our best. That is what matters.
If you haven’t noticed by now (I hope you did), I gave Love Niya a little bit of a face-life in terms of the graphics. Let me know your thoughts; I hope you like it!
If you enjoyed this post, I encourage you to share it, leave a like and/or comment, and refer others to subscribe.
